I recently noticed, on Twitter, a person communicating that their meltdown nervous system behaviors were separate from them as an existential being. That is, there is “meltdown” and there is “me.” Among the most fitting analogies I can conceive for this includes the second “Venom” movie, wherein an actual alien inhabits a human while the human remains fully himself and both battle it out for control of the co-inhabited body. The cartoon “Rick and Morty” have done this as well, thinking particularly about the episode where Toxic Rick and Toxic Morty are extracted from actual C-137 Rick and actual C-137 Morty. There are many other examples of multiple personalities across media. I believe I’ve made my point there. I hope, at least.
The construct is one of having absolutely no control of various aspects of our behavior, particularly, and here is where we exit fiction and attempt to think neuro-existentially, when our autonomic nervous system shifts from rest-and-digest brains (i.e. parasympathetic) to fight-flight-freeze-and/or-appease brains (i.e. sympathetic). I write “brains,” as well, given the widespread acknowledgement that the nervous system exists not only in the brain and spinal cord but also the heart and gastro-intestinal systems. The shit is very complex and interrelated, and I understand the conceptualization of certain aspects of our existence to be entirely separate from our existence.
Notably, if a person is able to illuminate, even in the midst of a self-described meltdown, awareness of feelings of overwhelm and loss-of-control…that means the meltdown is within control. Is, indeed, being controlled.
Does that make sense? If I can stand here and shout at you that my meltdown is shouting at you and that I, the one shouting at you, have no control of the thing that is shouting at you…I have the requisite awareness to gain control. Or, at the very least shift from “fight” brain…to “flight” or “freeze” brain…and ultimately back to “rest-and-digest” brain.
Furthermore, if the people around me set boundaries and communicate with me that I am harming them? That is not an aggression against me, though it may feel like it.
Blaming the harm I’ve done on some alternate personality, the Mr. Hyde to my logical Dr. Jekyll, is a form of responsibility avoidance and/or shirking as well as a possible gaslight to further separate myself from the harm I have done or may be doing to the people in my sphere.
There is also a challenge with existing extremely online. If you’re reading this, likely you, and/with me, exist and have community online. It’s easy to forget or ignore that real humans exist behind the avatars and curated personalities. But real humans do exist. And avoiding the responsibility of harm is as easy as it seems in video games. But again, real people exist. Even this missive? Is an interpersonal initiation. I’m sending this out into my sphere of influence and I know it will touch humans, so I want to communicate and emit, at the very least, kindness and unconditional human regard, knowing that these words may sting for some.
I’ve come to understand that, “Do no harm,” is impossible. And I think all of the credentialed professionals and systems in which they govern and are governed actually know this. Harm…is part of the human condition, and making a promise to do absolutely NO harm? It’s impossible. My shift has come in saying that I wish to do LESS harm. There are a myriad ways I try to stick to this ethos, studying person-centered therapy and pedagogy, trauma-informed care, and my own impact-regarding social-and-emotional framework for human interaction and service.
So where is this going? Back to the beginning. Me in a state of meltdown…is me. Me in a state of meltdown doing more harm…is me. Me in a state of meltdown doing less harm…is me. And we, each of us, can gain insight and control by quite simply considering it. That’s really all meditation is. Quieting oneself when, as, and however one can. And contemplating the trauma, or pain, or triggers. Then, finding a way forward to allow it all to exist, because it does exist, without doing any more harm to oneself, and others.
An incredibly wise person once told me, and I’m certain this is a paraphrasing of some guru, guide, or Buddha, that…every time you reach down to pick up the hot coals of rage, shame, embarrassment, trauma, or dysregulation and throw them at others? You only succeed in hurting yourself. Every time. And you inevitably hurt others, including, if not usually, those you never intended to harm.
Do less harm. At the very least, throw not hot coals.
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