Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, U.S.A.
Election day.
It’s impossible for me to sit here and pretend.
I’ve spent my entire life in suffocating masks; encased in walls, desperately attempting to patch and reinforce the myriad psychological facades foisted upon me.
Once The Tower began to crumble; beginning in the early morning darkness of November 8, 2016 as I stared numbly at the presidential election results, then hitting its peak on January 11th, 2021 less than a month after having lost my mom to COVID, and under the weight of too many traumas across too many decades; I succumbed, then embraced, and eventually emerged. Quite scathed. Raw. Over time? Renewed. Perhaps even stronger and more resilient, transformed in the fires of a relentless, purifying kiln. I don’t fucking know. It’s been a long, hard 8 years and I’m finally at point wherein I’m no longer barely treading water with the shackles of depression on my ankles.
But again…
It’s impossible for me to sit here and pretend. Pretend that tomorrow doesn’t terrify me.
Regardless of results, and perhaps explicitly because of a result that might otherwise offer a modicum of respite and hope, that man and his supporters will not go quietly.
What *will* happen, nobody knows.
What *has happened*, however, is clear.
And what he and they say will happen must be taken at face value.
That is why tomorrow terrifies me.
Right now, however? Today? Well, I have me and I have the work of harm reduction and empowerment. I have an influence sphere and am compensated for the work I do. I have a partner and stability I’ve not experienced in a very long time. I know myself and my place better than I ever have And I experience love and levity daily. Including today.
And tomorrow? Well, it terrifies me but by the time it comes it will be today and that’s all I can manage and somewhat control.
I made it here. We made it here. And the only way forward is to love each other, to offer support and validation with kindness, compassion, and unflinching dedication to harm reduction and trauma healing.
We are all we have. Existence remains sacred and miraculous. Rest and levity are necessary. As is community. Take care of yourself and know that I love and appreciate you. I’m fucking scared though.
-G
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